About Living, Losing and Letting Go

       I had a miscarriage.. yeah u heard right.. i miscarried my baby last September.. my almost 10 weeks old baby..but i dont know how it happened..it just happened.. i was attending a course in Royale Chulan KL when i noticed i was bleeding.. to cut the story short, the baby was not meant to be with us.. me and my husband was hmmm.. not to say devastated but taken aback from what had happened to us.. according to Dr. Fatimah, about 20% of pregnancy will end up this way and there are various reason to it, and one of it is OGK Syndrome (as described by Dr. Fatimah).. She said the syndrome means Only God Knows Syndrome because science cannot explain it.. so me and my hby just accept it as it is.. eventho there are times i feel sad to think about the baby.. our baby..

       I have to go thru all d pantang thingy.. like all the 'u-can-eat-this, u-cant-eat-that, u-can-do-this, u-cant-do-that talk.. adeyhhh.. what to do.. have to belasah my hby's stokin bola.. he said i look like a stripper with that sock.. haha.. ade ke patut.. Speaking of my hby, im glad that i went through all this with him.. he was so supportive and charming.. he pampered me like a princess during confinement.. every night before sleep he will apply massage oil on my body and put my sock on to keep me warm.. he will comb my hair n tell me im beautiful.. Alhamdulillah.. night after we lose the baby, he hugged me and said 'Hby redha ape yg jadi dgn kite, hby x salahkan bb pn, mmg bkn rezeki kite, mungkin ade rezeki yg lebih baek yg Allah da tentukan untuk kite'.. wahhh.. dan2 rs nk menangis.. huuu..

        Alhamdulillah God has been so generous to grant us another baby after 2 month I miscarried. I can never thanked Him enough for His generosity. But the hole in our heart can never be replaced. No one child can be replaced by another. But by having another one can sooth the ache I'm having in my heart. Alhamdulillah currently i'm 5 month pregnant already.. another 4 month to go before i can hold my baby in my arms..May Allah ease the process n be kind enough to give us the chance to meet and raise our baby to his/her full potential.. Dear love, i cant wait to see u.. in the mean time, pls take care yeah!!

     
 

Story of a PTD Cadet Bride.. :)

Too many things have occurred in my life since my last post in this blog. Ok, now i dont know where to start.. hmmm.. okae, first of all I AM MARRIED.. i've been married for more than a year now.. see, btape lamenye x update blog.. da kawen setahun br nk wt post.. hehehe.. the reason being, i was too busy completing my Kadet PTD course.. haihhhh... tak taw la nk happy ke nk sdey.. in order to become a PTD (which is not one of my dream pn sbnrnye, i wanna b a lecturer.. n i still have that dream till today), there are many sacrifices that i have to make.. the new PTD Cadetship is different from the previous DPA course for PTD.. The duration for PTD Cadetship is one year plus with penempatan penuh but DPA is for 6 month only.. The offer to join cadet came about one month before my wedding date.. all my wedding invitation have been sent out.. we have paid the caterer, mua, wedding planner etc. tak ke haywire hidup.. mane nk urus the big day lagi, nk wt preparation for cadetship lg.. da la byk documentation n requirement.. haihhhh.. so, my first sacrifice is to hand over many of my wedding details to be executed by my family n relatives.. i am a control freak and very detail *fussy actually* in executing my plan.. so, to hand over my plans to be executed by someone else is a big deal for me.. tambah2 lagi its my wedding we're talking about.. n i know my family even more nervous than i was to execute my plans n to meet my expectation.. at the time i hand over everything, i know i will not get my dream wedding.. i hv to tell myself over and over again that my family have done their level best to make me happy.. n i should be thankful for that.. for their willingness to help and to put so many effort to make me happy on the day of my wedding..i was sooooooo down at that moment because being a bridezilla, i have planned so many things for the wedding and my honeymoon with my hubby.. but because i have to join cadetship, i was not entitled to get any cuti because i have to carry on with my module.. so basically, i got married on saturday, i have to return back to INTAN on Sunday.. I cried the whole journey to INTAN.. I still remember on that dreadful Sunday, i was so emotional that i keep on saying ' i dont wanna go back, i just want my hubby, i dont wanna go back' but at the same time, my hands were packing my things.. it was like a clash of head and heart.. i still remember thinking that day was supposed to be the happiest moment in my life but it was totally the opposite from what i have expected.. n obviously la kan i didnt get to go for honeymoon.. iolls kan ala2 romantic jd not going to honeymoon as planned is a big deal for me.. even till today that i have completed my cadetship, these are the things that still aching in my heart when i looked back.. i've sacrificed my wedding, my honeymoon and the pengantin baru moments just to be a PTD. At that time, i was so upset with how my life turned out to be that i started to be so vocal in blaming all the people that played a role in getting me into this mess (i.e my hubby, my family n my in-laws).. before i join PTD cadetship, i was working in a bank.. the workload was good and the salary was even better.. my home is only 8km away from my office.. i was happy and was looking forward to get married and have ample time to be together with my hubby.. in fact, to decide on joining the PTD was the hardest task i have to make in my life.. i dont wanna join because i have to stay in INTAN for one year plus which means away from my hubby most of the time.. n i didnt get to go for honeymoon, something that i have planned for sooooooo long.. you see, me and my hubby have been together for 6 years before we got married.. and throughout that 6 years we always pujuk ourself like 'xpe nnt da kawen kte g sane (krabi, bali, cherating, singapore, perhentian, cameron, fraser bla bla bla), skarang x bole lagi, kte x kawin lg'.. so for that 6 years we have built hopes that one day when we get married, we will have all the time in the world to travel and spend time together.. in fact when i was in the bank, i have plotted 14days cuti for my wedding.. tbe2 month before our wedding, i was told i dont have any cuti kawen, so all our 6years plans shattered just because i join PTD.. The very reason why i enroll myself in cadetship was to make the people i care most happy.. it was my mother's dream to see one of her kids to become a PTD.. i still remember asking my mom 'ibu, klw taty x amek PTD nie, wud u be mad at me?' and she replied after a long pause 'ibu x marah.. taty anak ibu, xkn ibu nk marah.. tp ibu akan rasa sgt sedih'.. n my father-in-law is also a PTD, so he was very happy to know that i was offered.. my hubby also encouraged me to join PTD.. so all the people closest to me really want me to be a PTD.. so i think to myself that if my niat is to make my family happy, Allah will guide me through.. but throughout the tough journey as cadet, and all the sacrifices, i started to rethink of my decision n started to blame my family because of this.. i started to feel depressed and furious.. it made me even sadder to realize that i have become a monster to the people i care the most.. i also realized i cannot survive the cadetship if i continued being this negative..i started to think positively and take it one day at a time.. even my brothers and relatives were impressed with all the things i did in cadet.. angkat hose berat, kayak pusing pulau, menembak n all.. Alhamdulillah.. i became a better person and more redha with what i have to go through as cadet. Thanks to my cadets frens who have made my journey bearable and even livelier .. hehe.. even though i still dont know what my callings are, i still have to be positive.. i attended Dr. Muhaya talks last few weeks n she said something like this 'kadang2 kite xtaw kenapa Allah letakkan kite di suatu tempat tu, kite akn fikir nie bukan tempat aku, tapi Allah kan yg menciptakan kite,He knows where to put us so that we can be the most beneficial to others, life is about serving, not getting'.. Her statement blown me away.. for one year in cadet i was tertanya2 why me and why PTD.. why not lecturing.. n now i got my answer.. mungkin as PTD i will be most beneficial to others.. InshaAllah.. Today is my first day in the office as PTD *baru dapat tempat, x dpt keje lg* .. i must strive to be the most beneficial to others.. maybe thats my calling.. but first must to get used to hearing people keep calling me Puan.. the gedik me mcm x sesuai je dgn panggilan Puan.. Panggil Diva okae la.. hahahahaha.. *diva sangat*

Love and Happiness without Him

After a while (ages actually) of not posting anything on my blog, tbe2 hati meluap2 nk update blog.. dunno why but most of the time i'll feel this way during September.. mst update blog time september je.. cm pelik kan.. feels like there's so many things i want to share with my dear blog.. Now am engaged!!! yeah its a big news but its an old one.. mane tak nye, btunang bulan1, bulan9 baru tkedek2 update blog.. huhu.. I know previously our relationship was in a terrible shape.. But Alhamdulillah now we are well on our way to walk down the aisle.. Now, we have become better as lover and most importantly as His better servant.. Because, last time when we were so madly, head over heels in love, we thought that everything will be just so wonderful as long as we have each other.. As long as we have each other, we need nothing else in this world.. We were so caught up in our own little not-so-realistic world.. But He has better plans for us.. We still have each other but the thing that binds us was fading. Our love has lost its spark.. To me, what had happened is not his punishment towards us for being so ignorant (arrogant perhaps), but it is actually a blessing in disguise. He misses us but we never really surrender to Him. Yeah, we pray, perform all the wajib thingy, but that's it.. To me, i've given Him what He wants, now i'm free to do what i want.. that's what i mean as being arrogant.. i never really surrendered my heart n soul to Him.. I have never anticipated His plans in mine because being a 'planner' as i am, i always think that my plans are perfect that even divine intervention could not fail it.. Owh Lord, how i was wrong!! The fact is, even the worst plan could succeed with His intervention and i learned it the hard way.. The pain that i was in made me surrender. I was in dead end, at the end of my wit of what i should do to revive our relationship.. i was in a lot of pain that i cried everyday.. my tears streaming down my face practically all the time.. so many memories for me to deal with.. That pushed me to surrender.. I just cant believe the kind of serenity i felt after i truly surrender to him.. when people say 'pray for what you want', i always say ' i know what i want but i don't know how to pray for it.. but He is Mr. Know-it-all so He should know what i want'.. now i think, it's not that i don't know how to pray for it but i think i let my ego gets in the way because i'm not the kind of person who always ask things from people.. i believe in working and earning what i want.. but now i realized, there are things in life that we cannot earn, there are things we need to ask from Him.. and that is LOVE and HAPPINESS.. Now, me and my then bf is in good term.. We are madly in love with each other again.. i love him, he loves me.. And we love Him.. tu yg smpi bole terbetunang tu.. hehe.. After what had happened last year, we learned to appreciate each other even more.. respect n put each others' feelings first in any decision to be made.. Alhamdulillah.. I dont know how many times i have said it to portray how i am truly, madly, deeply grateful to Allah for kebahagiaan yg indah ini.. n each time i say Alhamdulillah, i truly mean it this time because i know the happiness i felt today is not because my so-called great plans have worked out, but because He decided to include me and my fiance in His 'happiness boat'.. its all because of Him and i truly believe i am ridiculously nothing without Him.. I always pray to Him to always keep me,my fiance, my family and his in that boat and never throw us in the remorseful sea.. Haritu, baru kena celop sket je da rase mcm nak mati.. This weekend, his family is coming over to finalize our wedding date.. nervous but excited.. weeeeeee.. >.< This post is dedicated to the future me so that i will remember how it feels like to be left by Him.. Hopefully this will be a reminder for me in the future and could help me in leading a barakah life.. Love mummy, love my hubby and definitely love Him.. *group hug*

kdg2 org yg plg kite syg la yg plg susah untuk dcintai...

Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, membuatkan kita dalam keadaan teruji
Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, membuatkan kita terkeliru
Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, selalu membuatkan kita terluka
Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, membuatkan kita terkilan
Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, membuat rasa sabar kita kian menipis
Ada ketikanya insan yg kita sayang, mengguris hati kita hingga menitis airmata
Namun kita ttp menyayanginya krn dia sentiasa bertakhta di hati kita...=)

to hold on or to let go...

       I am here again one more time.... urrrghhhh..... x suke.... i only update ths blog when im in trouble n hv no one to talk to... hmmmm.... rite now im in a big shit.... after being with my bf for 5years, i dunno why suddenly i feel like we r not meant to b together... i hv never felt like this before... i awlays 160% sure that we'll be together n grow old as husband n wife... but i dunno why suddenly everythng seems so blur lately.... its like we'r drifting apart.... everythng seems so different nowadays.... no more gentle kiss on the hand, no more sweet2 talk n no more laughter n smile... everythng seems so stiff n dull.... i know u r bz but i am bz too... evn whn i am super bz, i will still think of u... in fact i miss u more whn im bz... in fact i will go for meal break wif phone in my hand hoping u will reply my msg n i will sleep with phone next to my pillow so that i can hear when u call... but u never called... u only call when u r driving to or back from work... u only call when u r waiting for u friends... thats the only time u have for me... i dunno wht goes wrong but it really hurt me inside.... is it me or u dont love me anymore.... i jst dont hv any answer.... mayb u loved me n u jst hang on to the love u had for me.... thats why u r stiff now cz u dont love the present me, but u loved the old me... u jst hang on to the memories...  i love u so much that it hurt to let go all the dreams i dream for our future but to stay in this relationship, i really need to revive our love.... when i say u dont love me, u'll get mad n offended... i dunno how to talk to u so that it wont make u mad... but i really need to find the answer.... u said u r tired... i am tired too... but i never made it as excuse not to b happy around u... in fact i'll b happier when i'm with u.... but it hurt me badly whn i cant make u smile anymore... seeing me doesnt excites u... i dunno wht to do or wht to say jst to see u smile again...  eventhough im not happy in ths relationship as i should be, imagining myself without u is even more hurtful cz i've loved u a bit more than i should... i hope that u understand that its not that i see u as not perfect... i'v loved u perfectly despite ur flaws but i jst wish that u love the imperfect me perfectly too.... not jst by words but more by action cz to tell u the truth, without ur words, i dont feel ur love anymore....

ibu saye pesan..

     the starting of 2011 was not a good start for me... i think troughout my life, this was the 2nd greatest challenge i ever faced that almost took me and the rest of d family down... susah btol idop ngn pelesit nie... bile kte tolong, dye wt kite cm melepaskan anjing tsepit... tp xpe la, bnde pn da lepas.. but thank God d mase2 genting, my family managed to get through berkat doa ibu yg tak henti2... i love u sooooooo much ibu... i can never imagine having better mother than what u've been and continously be... i hope one day i'll be a great mother like u... ibu saya pesan:

1) selagi kite pegang pada tali Allah, Allah xkan tinggalkn kite... Yang penting kite jgn penah ade niat salah ngn Allah and sesama manusia

2) Selagi kite di pihak yang benar, tak penting ape yang manusia nak pandang, kalawpn kat dunia nie nampak mcm kite salah, yang penting kite betul di mata Allah..

3) Sabar, jangan melenting... Allah akan sentiasa berpihak pada orang yang sabar

4) Benda baik akan sentiasa berpihak pada orang yang sabar... sabar selagi mampu sebab Allah tak penah menzalimi makhlukNya

5) Jangan lupe senyum... Susah pun senyum... Benda susah akan jadi senang bile kite senyum..

6) Bile takleh wat something, cube senyum, baca bismillah n cube lagi... mesti boleh...:)

7) Jangan melatah, biar org nak kate ape...Allah dgn anak2 ibu...

8) Selagi kite tak menzalimi orang, Allah takkan menzalimi kite

Sesungguhnya semua yg di atas da terbukti benar... dari dulu sampai skrg, ape2 je masalah yang kami hadapi, semuanya we can gracefully face berkat pesanan ibu... Untungnya kami ade ibu yang sentiase pastikan niat anak2nya betul dan sentiase menegur bila kami salah dan menyayangi kami unconditionally... dan yang paling penting doakan kami adik beradik tak henti2...pada abang2 saya yang sentiase turutkan permintaan ibu, saya sayang kamu.... tp walauapepn musibah yang datang, now we know to what extend we will go for ibu kan... and for those yang ade niat salah, lupekan la niat kamu itu... sile rujuk pesanan ibu saya yang no.1 dan 2... Renung-renungkan dan selamat beramal...:)

manusia dan k.e.s.y.u.k.u.r.a.n

y is it that human nvr learned to appreciate wht they hv n always thnk tht grass r greener on the other side...?... huhu... n im one of the people who thnk grass r greener in my neighbour lawn... haih... i hv a wonderful family... super cute nieces n nephews, understanding brothers n super lovely parents... im grateful for that... especially for having a wonderful, super understanding mother... i dont hv prob thanking God for giving me them... but my real prob is, i cant seem to appreciate my bf the way i shud.. before him, i was in love wif someone who never loved me back... i always thnk of him as being super perfect, super romantic, super sweet, super caring n super everythng for me... it hurts me badly to know tht he's wif sumone else but because i loved him a lil bit too much, i played it cool in front of him n put on a fake smile konon2 happy for him while actually in my heart, i ws trembling... stupid me for being so nice not fighting for love... but thts my past... now i have second chance to love.. but this time i am loved in return... however, im so caught up wif the love tht fleets tht i forget to cherish the one in front of me... i know im blessed to have such a wonderful bf but i always seems to forget that fact... i always thnk tht hes not tht perfect, not that sweet, not that caring n bla bla bla cz i always thnk tht the previous guy is far better... i know tht in reality, he's not.. he is super everythng bcz i envisioned him to b... its not who he really is in reality.. but today two of my single frens shook me from my ridiculous dream n told me how lucky i am to hv such a wonderful bf n i shud b grateful for that... i wish i cud look at him through the eyes of others so tht i cud learn to appreciate him... i love him but i thnk im too caught up wif my past tht i didnt see the shine of gold in front of me... hby, forgive me for hurting u n always thnk of u as 2nd best... now i realized tht u r the one made for me n d flaws u hv is only because God wants me to fill n d flaws i hv only u can fix... Love u sweet darling n i promise to cherish our relationship... <3